Breaking the patterns of angry outbursts

One thing you have probably noticed in all the angry outburst and conflicts that occur is that there are patterns to them. Things might change slightly with each different instance, but in general, they will usually all play out in a similar way.  This is true for how your anger begins and then erupts.  If you try, you will probably see that certain kinds of things set you off far more quickly than others and that the emotions you feel inside are always quite similar.  Also the speed at which you lose your temper is the same.  You may notice that it takes seconds to go from calm to annoyed, and then another few seconds to get to the stages of being angry and shouting.

Similarly, when conflicts keep recurring with the same people, we can find patterns emerging in how we engage and interact with each other. Who is the first to raise their voice? Does the other person respond in the same way? Is it the same topics that are causing the fights to begin with, or is it nothing to do with the initial problem and more to do with a miscommunication between both of you?

Sometimes you may not even wait to see how the patterns of the conflict are playing out as you are so used to how things develop usually.  Jumping right into a conflict because you are sure you know what the other person is going to say and how they will act will often result in an escalation of the conflict.  You, and they, may be so frustrated as you see the same old fights happening time and again.

It is by noticing these patterns, both the feelings within us and the conflicts that manifest without, that we can come to understand our anger.  It gives us a place to start looking, investigating our pasts and why we have become programmed the way we are.

For example, some people can get extremely angry with inanimate objects such as computers, phones, etc.  They can have, what would seem to others, to be an intense over-reaction to a simple thing not working as they expect it to.  For other people, this kind of things wouldn’t bother them at all.   However, they might have a powerful angry response to something of an entirely different nature, such as people being late for a planned meeting, etc.

The point is that noticing your triggers and the patterns that have developed will give you something to work on. You may discover the fears and anxieties you had as a child that lead you to now show intense anger at people or things.  At the very least you may be able to answer the ‘Why?’ question.  Why do you get angry?  It isn’t for no reason at all.  There are reasons that your emotions and behaviours are the way they are and you are finding that at times they become “uncontrollable”.

Noticing the patterns also allows you to dismantle them step by step, and then when you see a conflict arising, or indeed if it already has arisen, you may be able to stand back and see the pattern repeating right before your eyes.  This will empower you to make a conscious decision to avoid the conflict altogether. Use this as a way to stop your anger from erupting on someone else or a conflict with your spouse or child.  Take note of what happens and how you both react.  Make a conscious decision to stop yourself from participating in the angry outbursts or quarrel that has emerged.

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Comments

  1. Amazing read. Thanks for posting.

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